Why Not Be Kind to Yourself?

The number one reason people give for being overly critical of themselves is motivation. According to Dr. Kristen Neff, Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture, many of us believe that if we are too kind to ourselves, we will be self-indulgent and lazy. But is this true? The research on the matter, says Dr. Neff, shows the exact opposite.

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Criticizing oneself seems to make sense. What’s wrong with evaluating my performance with an eye to improvement, or assessing my progress toward a goal? Nothing, really. But too often, we heap negative self-judgments on top of these objective evaluations and assessments. “You were late for work” is a statement of fact; you can look at it and decide what, if anything, to do differently in order to achieve a different outcome in the future. “You’re a stupid git” is self-flagellation, inviting a cycle of moping and rumination.

I get into funks from time to time, like everyone does I guess, but it’s becoming increasingly clear that the negative self-talk that goes on inside my head is not a good motivator. Better to be kind and compassionate with myself, like I would with a friend, and cool and dispassionate in my self-appraisals. Apparently, I’ll be both happier and more productive if I can swing it, so I think I’ll invest some of my time to look into the methods Dr. Neff says she’s been developing to help people learn to be more compassionate with themselves. I’ll report back what I discover at a later date.